Something New
by moriaretamor
Summary: Spoilers for 6x8...Jane is thinking about going home. Includes more of the letter he wrote to Lisbon (as seen in the actual episode). Kind of goes with "I'll Always Save You," but can definitely be read alone. Please review!


** Spoilers for 6x8...**

**...This is written the morning after Kim left his apartment: before he saw her the last time and she gave him the book. ****I think it's hard to write anything from Jane's point of view since we are so rarely offered the chance to get inside his mind. People have commented that they couldn't understand why Jane didn't know more about who Kim was from the beginning, him being the mentalist and all. Here's** my take on what went through his head. Please, please, please review! 

**(If you haven't read the rest of the letter he sent to Lisbon in 6x8... post/68759554958/janes-letter-to-lisbon ...paste that into your url and click on argentinefangirl's article. It has everything that can be read of the letter when the camera does a close up. i love it.)**

Jane stood on his rickety back deck staring out at the ocean. He rubbed his forehead and winced as his fingers passed over the bruise above his eyebrow. He took another drink of hot tea and smiled to himself. _Kim Fischer. Very Interesting_. The woman hadn't been all that remarkable… but there was something about her; something that made him think about home. He could tell that she hadn't told him the whole truth about herself. She had been hiding something important from him. He hadn't analyzed it too much. Finding out her motivations would have cheapened the experience he had with her. There was something sacred about not knowing. She had simply been a charming stranger he could create his own story for. He had been able to make her who he wanted her to be.

She had got him thinking. Thinking about home. It was almost uncanny how Abbott had resurfaced in his life on the same day that Kim appeared. A little too coincidental. But he didn't want to think about that. They had both triggered something he had barely knew was lurking in the back of his mind. A kind of discontent. A loneliness. He had suddenly waked up from his comatose state and realized just how unhappy he had become in the past few months. As he had told Kim, "Being understood is an underrated pleasure."

She had got him thinking about other things as well. Like Teresa, whose apparition had haunted him almost every day for the past two years. She seemed to live in the back of his mind, constantly making him think about what he was missing. He would see her in the beauty all around him. Especially the ocean. It had a kind of wild allure;a fragile delicacy that masked its ferocious strength.

Something about Kim had reminded him of Lisbon. He wasn't sure exactly what it was. Well, that wasn't quite true. He was Patrick Jane, after all. Kim was law enforcement. He had known that almost from the beginning. She had that air about her; very like Lisbon's. He didn't want to know what it meant that Kim was police. Sitting across the table from her last night, he had felt closer to Lisbon than he had felt in two years. That was something he wanted to hold on to, even if it meant ignoring the glaring facts. He remembered the words he had written Lisbon only the day before.

"Dear Lisbon.

I hope this finds you well. All is well here. I have my routines. Weather's finally turned…

…I've been meaning to apologize for leaving you on the beach that night. You being absent is the one thing that's made this new chapter strange and sad.

Miss you."

It had taken him two years to finally get it out. Just two small sentences, 28 little words: two years of work. He hoped she would know how much he had to work through before being able to write it with sincerity. How much his mind had struggled to come to terms with all that happened. He thought back on all the times he had left her; the times he had lied to protect her. He had been so afraid that Red John would figure out how much she meant to him and use her to teach him a lesson. And how close he had come to just that. He had almost lost her more than once. It was out of love that he left her that night on the beach. Jane was well aware that it might not be how she had seen it. It was likely that she had filed his betrayal away in the part of her brain titled "reasons not to trust Patrick Jane."

He had to admit it: when he faked his breakdown he had only been thinking of himself and his revenge. He had run off to Vegas without so much as a word to Lisbon. No matter what he told himself, it had been egocentric. This time was almost the same. _Almost._ But she had to know he had no choice. And this time he had left her with words. Many of them. She had to of known from the beginning that if he didn't wind up dead in his face-off with Red John, this would happen. He had always been honest about the end. He hoped she understood. He hoped that each word of this delicate one-way conversation reached her eyes. That she could read between the lines and understand all the important things he couldn't say.

The memories of his past life still resurfaced occasionally. He would see Cho lounging at his chair, VanPelt typing away at her computer, Lisbon tackling a suspect, Rigsby rummaging through the fridge in search of food. He smiled. They had been more than a team. They had been a family.

He had loved that job. It had been fulfilling in ways he couldn't have imagined; even beyond his quest to find Red John. Of course, everything would be different now. And that was the point, wasn't it? This could be the beginning of a new life. A life with people who cared about him. A life with Lisbon. The past was filled with darkness; shrouded by a ruthless killer and a bloodthirsty revenge. Even the happy memories were overshadowed by a garishly smiling face.

This would be something new.


End file.
